The Unbearable Heaviness Of Being
by Smudge93
Summary: Tag to a scene in 4.07 It's the great pumpkin, Sam Winchester. Spoilers for this episode only. Dean's thoughts in the scene in the crypt. Have added a second chapter with Sam's POV 'cos someone asked
1. The Unbearable Heaviness of Being

A little addition and tag to the scene in the crypt with Dean, Sam and Samhain.

Dean's POV

Thanks for reading!

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**The Unbearable Heaviness Of Being**

I can feel it, its like a slow burn through my soul and I know that he's using it, even before I turn the corner and I can see him…I know it.

_Sam._

His name sounds in my head and I don't know if I said it or thought it but just for a moment I think he looks at me…a quick single glance and then I am forgotten about as the battle in front of me intensifies and the demon takes another step closer to my brother.

I am stuck here…in the doorway…almost frozen by the sight, watching as Sam…_my brother_… takes on this supposedly most powerful of demons without anything more than a thought and the merest movement of his hand.

I feel horrified and fascinated both at the same time.

I want to rush in and tell him to stop, grab the knife from the floor and end it myself because I can see that this is killing him…hell its killing me…but the demon closes the gap and so I hold my ground. Fear grips me, a fear for and perhaps of my brother as I watch Sam slowly begin to ramp up his act and my greatest fear now becomes that I will distract him somehow if I move…that the demon will finish him before either of us can finish it.

This isn't the first time I've watched Sam's little parlour trick but it is the first time I have watched without feelings of anger and of betrayal coursing through me and it is mesmerising to behold. I can't take my eyes from the seen in front of me even if I wanted to.

So I have to stand here, watching…once again a chained spectator to a hellish show…to another fearsome battle of wills. Sam raises his free hand to his head as if the headache, which must surely now be pounding through it, is trying to shatter his skull and then the blood starts to course freely from his nose. I can feel it as the effort required to dispatch this thing back to hell destroys a little more of the brother that I know and that I love…as he pulls that little bit further away from me…but still I stand idly by, unable to do anything but stare.

I know that he can see me, standing there frozen in the periphery of his line of sight before he has to switch back again to concentrating on the task at hand as the demon in front of him slowly closes the gap once more. I know…for he told me…that this one is stronger than the rest that we have faced, but I can see that Sam has no doubts in his own ability anymore.

This was a battle he knew that he could win.

I watch as slowly the black smoke dissipated from its host and I find myself willing this to be over soon. I wonder briefly how the angels expect to smite him down when the demons that walk amongst us appear to be unable to stop him, but the though increases my distress and so I bury it deep within.

Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity the last of the smoke clears and slowly I can move again, the spell broken, my body getting its act together and I step into the room and watched as the immense toll that the exorcism has taken on him shows clearly on his face.

Sam raises his eyes and warily watches my approach, uncertainty creeping into his face for the first time since this began…he is standing still there… against the wall…eyes following me as I breach the distance between us.

I know that a little of him wants to say he is sorry…tell me that he had tried it my way…the dropped knife on the floor the testament to that… but deep down I know that he can't because deep down he doesn't want to apologise for what he is. This power is a part of him, part of who he is and, god forbid, what he is becoming …I knew that he couldn't stop it forever…even if it brought down on his head the wrath of god and perhaps that of his brother.

He looks like an addict, his brief high, the surge of adrenalin, more than worth the world of hurt that is following, the lure of it too strong for him to ignore for much longer.

And I get it…I do…he wants to help, to save people…but not this way…please no…not like this. As the saying goes though…the road to hell is paved with good intentions and I should know…my own good intentions have imploded on me…my sacrifice in danger of destroying the person that it was made to save.

God knows that I feel further from saving my brother than I have ever done in my life.

He has to fight it, has to try, for his sake and for mine. I have to make him try.

He watches me as I close the last of the gap that lies between us and he stiffens…perhaps waiting for the blow that he feels must surely come his way…before relaxing as I pull him into my embrace.

My love for him is greater than any fear that I may harboured but we both know that that may change…it might have to. I realise fully for the first time that my brother's path may lay in a different direction to the one that I am walking and my fear returns…it pierces my heart and tears at my soul.

My sole purpose for being is changing and it scares me.

For now though I cling to my brother, his safe haven for the moment against the storm that I feel is coming…would have to come… _destiny cannot be changed…_ and even as I hold him to me I can feel the chasm opening between us and I wonder if my love and strength would be enough to keep him safe this time.

After everything that I have done to protect him, how do I protect him from his self?

I close my eyes, tighten my grip and pray silently to God that I can.


	2. The Unbearable Lightness of Being

The scene with Sam, Dean and the demon Samhain - Sam's POV

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**The Unbearable Lightness of Being**

The knife is gone and now I have no option left but to show this demon what happens when you screw with a Winchester…well this Winchester in particular. I raise my hand and stop his forward motion, feeling immediately the little niggling pain starting in my head.

He is struggling against me and christ…this one is strong…much stronger than what I have dealt with before but I am holding my own against him and I haven't even taken the fight up a notch yet… I haven't yet tapped the full force of the power that is starting to build within me.

A movement catches my eye and distracts me just for a moment. I flick my eyes briefly in that direction but I already know what and who it is so I try to re focus on the more immediate threat in front of me…besides…I don't want to see the look in his eyes as he watches me break my promise to him…again.

But I know that my brother watches me from the doorway, and try as I might I can't pull my whole attention back to the demon that I must defeat…that yet again has taken a step nearer… as my mind sees Dean's eyes flit to the knife on the floor and I silently beg him not to…to leave this up to me, let me handle it…let me show him just what I can do.

I don't know if he hears me or if he realises that his arrival has distracted me but he freezes there and I know that he is going to allow me to finish this on my own…even though every instinct will be screaming at him otherwise…even with the fear and pain of my actions evident in his eyes…the eyes I swore I wasn't going to look at.

I tear my thoughts back to the evil in front of me and realise that the demon has closed the gap further in the mere moment that my brother's presence had taken my full attention from the battle of wills that I am in.

With any intervention by my brother stayed I close everything else out and focus my attack.

It is intoxicating…this power…but it feels right and I get better at using it every time I try…I get stronger…more in control of it…albeit this time I've maybe pushed a little too hard…the pain a little more than usual, but then, so is the opposition. Pain is good though…my suffering can save people…I can save people…my pain is their salvation…perhaps its my salvation too. It lifts this from a curse to a gift in my eyes….I just wish that I could get my brother to see it that way too.

He's worried about me, fearful of the thing that I am or will become…I get that…I really do…but if he could only know how it feels …how much I need it.

It was my strength when he was gone.

I flipped the switch and now I find that there is no way to cut the power. Burn or be burned.

The headache starts, the pounding through my brain and I feel the blood as it trickles slowly from my nose. Time now to finish this.

Time to show both of them just what I really am capable of.

It makes one more attempt to reach me and then it is nothing but black smoke forced from its host and it drops down to the floor in the room. I resist the urge to cry out as it dissipates…unwilling to show any sign of weakness in front of my brother…although I know that the toll of my struggle shows clearly on my face.

He steps towards me and the look in his eyes changes with every one that he takes. Fear, disappointment, worry and then, worst of all, resignation all show in his eyes. I can almost see the weight of his failure settle on him.

I know he knows deep down that he can't save me, knows that whatever road I am on the only one that can save me _is me_ but I am not sure that I want to be saved. This feels so good, so right that I can't really accept that I maybe wrong. I want to apologise to him…to tell him I tried but I can see that he already knows that…the acceptance of what I am in his eyes scares me more than his horror of it would.

I watch the struggle in him, between his love for me and his fear for and perhaps of me and I want to tell him that it is alright…that we can win this fight…but I am unable to t without the doubt that would surely sound in my voice and so stay quiet…watching him.

I brace myself for harsh words or even a blow but instead he surprises me…embraces me and I find myself leaning in, wanting the comfort that only my brother can provide…who knows how many more times there will be to find calm in this storm that is closing in on us… we are standing for the moment in its eye waiting for the winds of change to rip us apart.

I feel him tighten his grip and I return the gesture…holding on for dear life even as I feel myself slipping from his grasp.

We have each lost the other once…did things that I know we both wish we could change or forget…but I refuse for either of us to be left that broken and alone again. This power could keep us both safe from the war that surrounds us.

He has done everything he can to protect me, but how does me protect me from myself?

Then again, perhaps it is my turn to protect him?

God and the angels be damned.

Just as I am.


End file.
